The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other.
The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other.
The Egoist: It’s not me, it’s you.
The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me.
The Anti-Solipsist: There’s someone else.
Agnostic: I don’t know if we should be together anymore…
Kuhn: I’m ready for a paradigm shift.
The Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
The Rationalist, v 2.0: I’ve been doing some thinking...
The Egalitarian: This is the best thing for both of us.
The Paternalist: In time you’ll come to see that this is the best thing.
The Humean: Just because we’re always together doesn’t mean we BELONG together.
The Humean, v. 2.0: Relationships need to be about more than just constant conjoining.
The Reliabilist: This just isn’t working anymore.
The Nagelian: You just don’t know what it’s like to be me.
The Functionalist: I don’t care about accommodating your feelings.
The Quinean: I’m sorry, but you don’t mean anything to me anymore.
The Foundationalist: We have nothing left to build upon.
The Relativist: It’s no one’s fault.
The Quasi-Realist: Of course we’re going to be together forever.
The Behaviorist: I just can’t keep going through the motions anymore.
The Presentist: There just isn’t any future for us.
The Eternalist: At least we’ll always have that weekend in Paris.
The Modal Realist: This will never work—we’re from different worlds.
The anti-Infinitist: You always go on and on and on …
The Wittgensteinian: I’m just not happy with this form of life…
The Leibnizian: This is all for the best.
The Heideggerian: I’m just not comfortable with being-in-this-relationship.
The Meinongian: I think we should break up, but we can still be together.
The Nihilist: I told you all along that nothing would come between us.
Epiphenomenalist: I still love you, but it doesn’t make any difference.
The Emotivist: boo-hoo, boo-hoo
Frankfurtian: Yes, I still love you, but I don’t think that I want to.
Aristotelian: You make me less perfect.
The Gricean: There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
The Speech-Act Theorist v. 2.0: I hereby break up with you.
The Error-Theorist: Even though we’re through, it may be useful to retain the illusion that we’re still together.
Paraconsistent logician: I love you, but then again I don’t love you. Is that so wrong?
Intuitionist: Well, it’s not that I don’t love you….
Hume: I need to find myself.
Co-location Theorist: We’re just in different places, you and I.
Heracleitus: Flux you! Or: Things change.
Aristotle: You’ve never asked “What’s the matter?”
Dennett v. 2.0: All you ever wanted from me was physical, and I don’t intend to stand for it anymore.
Fatalist: It was destined to end this way.
Indeterminist: I just don’t love you anymore - there’s no good reason for it.
Many-worlds quantum theorist: You’ll still be with me in so many ways.
Strong-AI-ist: I’m just not ready yet. But call me later this century sometime.
Materialist: The only part of me you stimulate any more is my C-fibers.
Quinian - To you it might have appeared that we were really together, but our relationship was just a bunch of undetached dating parts.
Content Externalist: You’re not in my thoughts any more.
Fodor: Aunty says you’re not my type.
Chalmers: Why am I leaving you? Thats a hard question.
Necessitarian: I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be.
Dualist: You’re too cerebral!
Nominalist: There’s you and there’s me. There is no us.
Anti-Utilitarian: I’m sick of trying to make other people happy!
Indirect Realist: I have to think of myself first.
Libertarian: I need my freedom.
Wittgensteinian: ‘There’s really nothing more I can say…’
Deconstructivist: ‘I don’t even know if it’s about me or about you, I can’t tell what’s right or wrong. All I know is that something has come between us and from where I’m standing it looks like we’re in the middle of breaking up.’
Socratic: You already know what’s wrong; I shouldn’t have to tell you.
Kierkegaardian: This relationship is absurd.
Leiter: It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that my 60 closest friends don’t love you.
Confucious: Confucious say, “Bye”!!
Nietzschean: Don’t worry, we’ll date again, and again, and again….
Hegel: The thesis is we’re breaking down. The antithesis is to fix it up. The synthesis is…we’re breaking up.
Gettier: I knew I loved somebody in the office, and I am as surprised as you are that it isn’t you.
Plato: I don’t want a love relationship with you. I’d rather have a platonic friendship.

(noch mehr davon gibts hier)